Ok, Mommy. I overheard you say I was a picky eater. So for your reference, I’ve complied a list. There should be no more mealtime confusion in our relationship.
Foods #bittyblogger Eats (AKA “Yummy!”)
PB&J. I will eat PB&J anytime, anywhere. Unless there’s too much jelly. Or unless there’s too little jelly. Or unless you don’t cut off the crust. Otherwise, we’re golden.
A taco. If it’s Tuesday. But, please refer to the rules.
Broccoli. Or was it green beans? Eh, forget it. Going forward, I don’t eat green vegetables any more.
Items only cut in the shape of the day. The shape of the day today is isosceles triangles – though, it may sound more like “gomo uka NOOOOO!” But what I mean is “I need my food cut in isosceles triangles.” I will notify you of tomorrow’s shape of the day in a similar manner. I can guarantee you this much – it will NOT be isosceles triangles.
Neon colored food. I’m a big fan of artificial coloring. Pump some Purple Dye #14 in that grilled chicken, mix some Kool-aid powder in with that mashed cauliflower or slather some FD&C Lakes on those Kale chips and we’re good to go.
I’ll have what he’s having. When some chap at the park has a snack – any snack – and you’ve forgotten to pack me one (or packed me something not on this list), you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll want what he’s got.
Top shelf snacks. I know you keep the good stuff up high. Holiday candy, marshmallows, fruit snacks, birthday party goodie bags, cookies. Why bother with the low hanging fruit. On belay?
Treats. After all, it has the word “eat” in it. (Aren’t you impressed by my letter recognition?)
Self-serve items. I prefer to select fare on my timeline. I don’t like dining at a table, in a chair, with a crowd, or at predetermined times. I’ll grab and go from the reachable pantry and fridge shelves, thankyouverymuch.
Ground grub. I prefer my cuisine to be perfectly seasoned – by the floor, grass, dirt, public pathways, lint, foreign bodies, and germs. I find this brings out a food’s natural flavor. I’m hungry just thinking about it.
Food we’re out of. I’ll take seconds on anything we have no more of. I’ll lick the bowl clean and proudly request more. It’s not my fault you failed to account for this.
Things that aren’t food. Play-doh, Legos, baby wipes, my shirt, my hands, shoes, glue, paper.
Foods #bittyblogger Doesn’t Eat (AKA “Yucky!”)
Foods purchased at a warehouse store. Surely when I ate that sample, smiled, asked for more, and then begged you to buy an eight-pound box, you didn’t think I would eat if when you served it for dinner later that week? That’s on you. How could I know how tragically disgusting bite #2 would taste?
Green vegetables. See “Broccoli” above.
Restaurant meals. The lights. The crowds. The shhh’ing. The sticky seat. The stranger visiting our table, demanding to know what I want to eat. Mac ‘n Cheese that is not like any Mac ‘n Cheese I’ve ever seen. I’ll be over here busying myself with the two crayons I’ve been allotted. Why is one of them yellow? Do they not know yellow doesn’t show up on these paper menus? Oh, you wanted me to eat that food before we left the restaurant? Sorry. No can do.
Food touching other food. Keep in mind what this means about casseroles.
Anything that’s “good for [me]”! Um, no. But thanks for the warning. If you have to tell me it’s good for me, it certainly won’t taste good.
Anything you “made especially for [me].” Though I do appreciate the gesture.
Meals on plates, in bowls, or needing utensils. But out of serving bowls, with my hands, from the counter, out of the bag, or off the floor is an entirely different story.
Things I’ve previously loved or declared “my favorite.” You should know better. Rookie mistake. I’ve no words.
Things I’ve previously not liked. Don’t make me repeat myself. I should have to say things only once.
Things I’ve never tried. I’m going to need some references and an average five-star rating before putting anything untested in my mouth.
Green eggs and ham. Just following Doctor’s orders.
Mommy, I would hardly consider a child with such a comprehensive list a “picky eater.” I find this all to be quite clear. Have you considered the possibility that you’re the picky one – so picky about what I eat? Well this is #bittyblogger, signing off. I’m starting to get hungry. What to eat, what to eat…