Click, Clack, Nooo! Toddlers that Type

I’ve heard rumors. Rumors that, as a Two, my delightfulness is up for debate. Slander!! The very fabric of my being has been touted as the worst of the worst. Alas, I’ve been forced to dust off my resume, in case I find myself out a job.

In revisiting my strengths, experience and qualifications, let me highlight a major skill I bring to the table: keen observation. 

Success begins with observation. Observing opportunity. Noticing trends. Making connections. Packing it all into digestible form.

Well, I’ve observed some real head-scratchers, lately. This “Mom” species I’m tracking is chock full of bizarre behaviors.

Exercise

She exercises to burn off calories
from coffee she drank
to compensate for the sleep she lost
staying up late
to do the things she didn’t get done earlier
because she was too busy exercising.

Money

From what I’ve gathered, these “job” things are about earning money. And from where I sit (typically with my legs poked through a rolling metal cage), a big chunk of that money goes to buying groceries. Those groceries get opened, rinsed, chopped, heated and served up as food; food, which I’m told converts to energy. And then that energy goes back into doing that job which brings in the money. So confused right now.

legs poked through the rolling metal cage

Housework

On occasion (certainly not often), I’ve noticed Mom lay her blankets across her bed in a process I’ll call “making the bed.” What’s bizarre about this behavior is how Mom does this just before leaving the bedroom and doesn’t return to her bedroom until she is climbing in bed, undoing her bed-making. The blanketed bed sits unseen and untouched all day long. What a waste of precious minutes!

I hope I’m not too young to make major life decisions, but I solemnly vow to NEVER “make” my bed. Not in childhood. And not as an adult. If this becomes an issue during my stay in this household, I’ll “forget” (or appease with a partial job), know deep-down that engaging in such futile behaviors goes against all I stand for.

Diet

She makes much ado about me eating all my vegetables, limiting my sugar, staying in my seat, making healthy snack choices and keeping food at the table. But, when I tip-toe out after bedtime – because, let’s be honest, the best entertainment happens once she thinks I’m in bed – there she is, curled up in bed (in front of the TV, no less!) with a giant glass of grape juice and some combination of chips/chocolate/ice cream/cookies/popcorn. Think I don’t notice my Halloween bucket steadily thinning out?

Basic Needs

She seems to be all confused inside, making improper distinctions between wonderful things and horrible things.

  • She whines about needing a nap. Why, oh why, would one ever choose to sleep? Not in the morning. Not at night. And most certainly, not in the afternoon!
  • She bellyaches about “not even getting a shower yet.” Doesn’t she know water is lava and how she should scream anytime someone suggests touching it, especially without clothes on?
  • She spends a whole lotta time “getting dressed.” Has she really forgotten that half the fun is running around the house bare-bummed, waiting to see who might ring the doorbell? It’s way more fun yelling “no pants! no pants!” when you actually aren’t wearing any.
  • She spends much of her day removing things from the floor, shutting things off, closing doors, wiping surfaces, putting things in piles and throwing things away. Where is the fun in that? It’s like she is trying to un-fun the world. Hiding the flare. Erasing the art. Silencing the soundtrack. Eliminating variety. Has she no soul?

Individually, none of these bizarre behaviors is cause for immediate alarm, but when you take the sum total of these observations, we’ve got a real case on our hands. I have to wonder if these are all side-effects of this Mommy-Brain I keep hearing about. I’ll be forming a Motherhood Watch for this area if things escalate, so please contact your local chapter if you observe these in your own motherhood.

-#bittyblogger

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