The vending machine caught my eye. Not the kind that sells Kit-Kats and Combos. The kind in the bathroom. Yeah, that one. Why? Because in the middle was something I’d never seen, something I might someday need. Something called a “Diaper 911 Emergency Kit.”
Thankfully, this was a reconnaissance mission, not a grab and go. My diapered one was dry and happy. But, for kicks and giggles, I paused to see what a buck-fifty could buy me in the form of a Diaper 911 Emergency Kit, should I ever need one. Purell, a changing pad, 1 diaper, 2 wipes…Hold up.
2 wipes?! What baby has ever had a diaper emergency necessitating only TWO wipes? My children have had diaper emergencies requiring a hose, a hazmat suit, Stanley Steamer, a ShamWow and a stunt double. You don’t want to make a phone call that ends with the pediatrician assuring you it’s okay if they ate it, as long as it was their own. You can’t unlearn that. You’re welcome.
This was no emergency kit. This was an all out joke on moms/dads. Highway robbery…err…restroom robbery. Well, two can play that game. I present to you, the Vending Machine of Failed Parenting 911 Emergency Kits:
Mom is on the Phone 911 Emergency Kit: Contains 18 kid-deemed-emergencies that require mom’s attention now, now, and now, a whistle, a harmonica, an echo chamber, a screaming 4 year old, a doorbell, a barking dog and a cooking-triggered-smoke-detector.
The Doctor’s Running Behind 911 Emergency Kit: Contains a waiting room full of coughing, contagious children whose parents don’t know what “well child area”/”sick child area” mean and a fish tank just begging to have snotty noses pressed up against it.
At a Restaurant Longer Than Expected 911 Emergency Kit: Contains digital devices for one less than the number of kids in your party, with all devices having less than 3% battery life.
Dad is Out of Town 911 Emergency Kit: Contains vomit. Lots of it. Also contains a broken appliance (style may vary), a power outage, a deep question about the meaning of life and three tournaments/recitals/parties on different sides of town at the exact same time.
Lost/Sold/Donated Toy 911 Emergency Kit: Contains commercials for and photos of toy to remind the child of that which was always their “favorite.”
Road Trip 911 Emergency Kit: Contains one annoying song that the youngest passenger will insist on listening to, on loop, for the duration of the trip, a 90 minute stretch without alphabets or license plates, a wrong turn and a child with a sudden expertise in geography, declaring “this isn’t the way!” until you surrender the “moving map” (formerly known as your phone) to their eager little hands.
Mild Injury 911 Emergency Kit: Contains wrong size/shape/character bandaids, an Emmy Award winning performance by the injured child, an argument between any non-injured-children, a weak stomach and a boiling over pot of pasta.
Busy Night 911 Emergency Kit: Contains an unlaundered team uniform, last minute notice of a school project due the next day, an unexpected knock at the door, a blue screen on the computer and an empty gallon of milk in the fridge.
Birthday Party 911 Emergency Kit: Contains candles but no lighter, one less goody bag than children, rain, a defective pinata, a loud child announcing duplicate gifts and at least one meltdown from the guest of honor.
Hosting VIP Dinner Guests 911 Emergency Kit: Contains early arrivals, a spontaneous presentation of the “new word” your child clearly picked up “at school,” a newly-declared vegetable on your toddler’s “absolutely not” list, and unending knock-knock jokes.
Missed Naptime 911 Emergency Kit: Contains a quiet, public event lasting more than 60 minutes, assorted judgmental onlookers, a lost pacifier and an instigating sibling.
Stuck in Traffic 911 Emergency Kit: Contains one missed naptime (see above) and one diaper emergency (see above).
Save your loose change. You never know when your parenting might require a trip to this vending machine and you’ll wish you hadn’t wasted your coins on pressed pennies and stale gumballs.